No shirt, no problem.

I’m lying in my backyard by the pool with my shirt off (totally normal behavior), thinking about how it took a lifetime to get to a place where I feel comfortable being shirtless in front of others. I spent no less than 30 years of my life dodging shirtless situations with a low-grade, internal panic over the idea of having to show my body. There were times I avoided those situations successfully, but there were others where I had to bare my skin and stand there, feeling self-conscious, awkward, and wanting to disappear. 

I know I’m not alone here. I see my big brethren on the beach and at the pool, hiding behind tank tops, swim shorts, and even hoodies. I’m here to say it doesn’t need to be that way. It’s possible to move beyond that embarrassment or lack of confidence, and feel good about yourself, not because you think your body looks terrific, but because you’re comfortable in your skin. 

Body positivity 

One thing no one tells you about losing weight is that it has just as big of an impact on your physical appearance as it does on your mental state. I’ve spent a lifetime grappling with being bigger than your average bear and not being proud of it because I knew it didn’t have to be that way. I’ll be honest, I never accepted my body when it was big. I was never proud. Now that I’m slimmer, it hasn’t changed much. Losing that weight didn’t change how I think about or see myself. What it comes down to is that I’ve accepted who I am, what I look like, and what that means to me. It’s not about what others think. It comes down to what I know: I am me. I am unique. There is no one like me. I’ll never have “the perfect beach body.” It’s just not possible when you have enough skin for yourself and a small child.

See? I can joke about it now.

What I know now is that my body is the perfect body for me. I can live with that. Hell, I can thrive with it. If there’s anything my weight loss journey has taught me, it’s that a happy life and a positive sense of being starts with me. 

I work every day to be body-positive and positive in general if I’m being honest. I am not here to conform to anyone’s idea of what I should look like, how I should think, or how I should exist. And you’re not here for me to judge you, so I don’t. I start from a place of acceptance--with myself and with others.

We’re all unique. We are all beautiful. Go to the beach or a pool, and you’ll notice every body type, shape, size, color, etc. Everyone—large or small—has some hangup about their appearance. Mainly because we constantly compare ourselves to others. It’s unhealthy and ridiculous and not worth the turmoil it can cause. Yet we still do it. In some ways, we’re trained to do it.

I was always worried about what other people thought or saw in me. This hits hard when your job is all about being in front of people, presenting on video, facilitating a meeting in a room with people, or worse: standing on a stage. Time and a lot of reflection (and therapy, FWIW) have helped me to move on from worrying about what others think about or see in me. But I’ve also found inspiration along the way.

Years ago, I was feeling down about my weight. Being a huge advocate for community and “finding your people,” I went to the Internet. Who could I passively follow or connect with online to shake the feelings of aloneness that come with wanting to be something else? Who could inspire me without having to look them in the eye and tell them how disappointed, overwhelmed, and defeated I feel about myself? I knew there had to be people out there, so I researched and found a few accounts on Instagram that got me invested in the idea of “body positivity.” 

Finding inspiration—or inspiring people—who help you recognize your self-worth and break down the baggage you’ve carried for years is so helpful. And it surely beats doom scrolling. Imagine a social feed full of positivity and encouragement. It’s possible, and I have recommendations.

Zach Miko was the first “influencer” I found online. In 2018, he posted a photo of himself with his shirt off and wrote, “Being body positive isn’t a switch you turn on and then suddenly you love yourself. It’s a journey with ups and downs, and sometimes the downs feel unbearable.”

Damn, that hit me. He was right. And you know what, he should know. He’s broken barriers. He was IMG’s first-ever male plus-sized model. I can’t even imagine the kind of comments and behavior he’s dealt with in that industry. Anyone who can face those personal feelings, be photographed (and sometimes shirtless!) for a living, and be vulnerable enough to share about it gets my respect.

Fun side note: My wife Emily saw him on a Target commercial last night and said. “Hey, there’s your favorite model.” I guess he left an impression. I’m still working on my own “blue steel.”

Kameron Saunders is a dancer, choreographer, and art director I noticed at the Eras Tour last summer. As my daughters scream-sing at the stage, I watched Kameron dance and noticed I had a huge, happy smile on my face. It was the perfect combination, seeing my kids go wild with excitement while watching the people on stage absolutely nail every step. But this guy!  He exudes confidence and can move his body. After seeing the show, I looked him up. I discovered he started the K/P Project, which is dedicated to creating performance opportunities for artists/dancers that are often overlooked—something he knows personally about as a plus-size dancer. How inspiring. I’m getting my dancing shoes on.

There are so many more examples of inspiring people out there—both men and women. They also don’t have to be “influencers.” In fact, your biggest inspiration might already be part of your life. 

A final note: body positivity is not only related to weight, but that’s my focus. I connected with people facing challenges similar to mine. From previous experience building a community, I know that connecting with or simply following others on the same journey or facing similar challenges can be very empowering and enlightening. So, looking for people online was where I started. The feeling I get when I see a big person be proud of their body and who they are empowers me. The feeling I get when I see someone making progress and feeling amazing about it encourages me. 

That’s only part of why I’m sharing my story. So let me continue.

Big boy boobs

I was always the fat kid. I can’t remember a time in my life when I wasn’t fat, and it was always acknowledged by family, friends, and nasty strangers. That acknowledgment didn’t ever help me in my life. It made me complacent. It made me believe I was just meant to be fat, and because of that, I would always be seen as fat first. Not smart, kind, or humorous. FAT. 

Thinking back, I was always self-conscious, even in kindergarten. And it was because I was probably a foot taller and 40 pounds heavier than my classmates. As a boy growing up, you were just expected to take your shirt off and not have a problem with it. As the fat kid, I dreaded things like “shirts and skins” basketball games, changing rooms, swimming parties, and any other time I was faced with someone seeing my body. And that was only during the school year! 

 Every summer of my life was about the sun and swimming. We were swim club members growing up, and my grandparents lived at the Jersey shore. I loved the beach and swimming at the pool, and I still do. The reality of my life is that I didn’t love it for a long stretch because I was embarrassed to take my shirt off. I either avoided typically shirtless situations or wore some form of shirt in a pool, on a beach, or anywhere else most people would be shirtless from 15 to 44. 🤦

Let me tell you, I was not at all proud of wearing a shirt in any of those instances. In many ways, I knew the shirt made me stand out more. But I couldn’t take my shirt off. I wouldn’t take my shirt off. If someone told me to (and yes, they did), I’d get embarrassed and angry and let it ruin my day. I wanted to hide, which is basically impossible when you’re 6’5” and nearly 300 pounds. So I persisted, mainly when I had kids, and knew I wanted to be the dad to teach them how to swim, ride waves in the ocean, and honestly,  just feel free in the water. 

At some point before my kids were born, wearing rash guards and swim shirts became acceptable, so that helped me stand out less and feel better about myself while doing the most fun things. Regardless, wearing the shirt made me even more self-conscious and cast a dark cloud over the most fun experiences in my life. I was upset and angry. But what would it take for me to take my shirt off?

Freedom

In June of 2021, the summer after losing all my weight, I was built up on body positivity, killing workouts, loving the great outdoors, and finally feeling better about my body. I decided it was time to remove the shirt, even if I was still very self-conscious. So I did it. I freed my nipples at a family BBQ, and not one person fucking cared. 

Not even the deepest, most judgy people in my family cared that I was shirtless and slim. Actually, one gave a backhanded compliment, “You look great, but you just need to build muscle now, ” and that was true. Then came the comment that lives rent-free in my head, “Your ears look so big now,” with laughter. Also, not a lie! I’m not sure if I was stunned more by the fact that I was being degraded or by the fact that it wasn’t about my torso.

From that experience, I learned that it didn’t matter. That day, I decided to be comfortable with myself on my terms. It’s self-acceptance, and I’m still working on it. It’s complicated, but shutting out the negative voices is essential—and I have had quite a few.

But here’s the thing: no one should care if you are shirtless unless you’re in Starbucks! Live your damn life, be yourself, and be proud of yourself. That’s where I am now. I’m not going to lie; it’s still hard for me. I always think twice before I take my shirt off in Starbucks. It’s a struggle.